Thursday 31 May 2012

An Alternative Bio ...





The lovely DONNA MOORE was chairing one of the events I was part of at last weekend's Crimefest in Bristol.

Part of her brief to the panellists - DOUGLAS LiNDSAY, DAMiAN SEAMAN, HELeN FiTZGERALD and moi - was to write an alternative biography to read out at the event.

Now, being a kind of whacky broad, I knew that Donna would be looking for something equally whacky. So this is what I came up with ...



MICHAEL J.MALONE – A LIFE IN A COUPLE OF EPiC PARAGRAPHS

"Its  fair to say that life has been less than kind to Michael J. Malone. He was reared by foster parents in a kibbutz on the west coast of Scotland, just south of Saltcoats, the estranged loved child of Alex Salmond and Dame Edna Everage.

Word got out about his parentage, so he was shunned by his peers. But he didn’t help himself, having a penchant for shouting “Freedom” in an antipodean falsetto at random strangers, while waving a large flower in the air.

A lonely child – (1, 2, 3 AWWWW) -  its sadder than that - everything he learned about life, he learned from books. He learned to approach emotion by reading Danielle Steel, how to avoid clowns from Stephen King, how to avoid prison from Jeffrey Archer and how to wiggle his eyebrows from Ian Fleming.  What he learned from Puppetry of the Penis is best left to the imagination.!

Is any of that true? What is truth? You can't handle the truth!

Monday 28 May 2012

News from Crimefest 2012 ...



-          

      Thomas Enger walks over to introduce himself to Lee Child. Thomas opens his mouth to speak. A seagull shits on them both. Not ideal, but something to tell the family.
-         
      Steve Mosby takes a walk for a late night ciggie. Is asked to hold a policeman’s horse while the policeman goes inside for a piss.
-          
     The local late-night kebab shop runs out of meat after visits from hungry crime writers/ readers/ reviewers.
-          
     BLOOD TEARS from one Michael J. Malone (who he?)sells out in the festival bookshop.
-          
I    It is announced that the super-talented Declan Burke wins The Goldsboro Last Laugh Award with the frankly wonderful Absolute Zero Cool. Go buy it now – and see what comic genius looks like.

What else do you need to know?

Only 8 weeks to go till it all starts up again at Harrogate. Wuhoo.

Tuesday 22 May 2012

The Ayr Launch of BLOOD TEARS ...

WILL YOU BE THERE?

I'LL BE POSTING NEWS OF FURTHER EVENTS FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T MAKE THE AYR LAUNCH.

HOPE TO SEE AS MANY OF YOU AS POSSIBLE.

Michael

Friday 18 May 2012

BLOOD TEARS announcement for those who live far, far away ...



Time to get back into the world of blogging, methinks. I've been kinda remiss in my posting of late, on account of the new job. Frankly, my poor wee brain can only handle so much "to do" stuff before it turns to mush and I have to lie down on the sofa and watch endless hours of shit T.V. Anywho, apologies to both my readers. And thank you for your patience.

You will know (both of you) that BLOOD TEARS is scheduled for release on June 6th. However (drum roll there please, Drummer) it is available to buy online NOW.

UK peeps who are desperate to read BLOOD TEARS, and frankly who can blame them, should go HERE!

Overseas peeps who are equally desperate to read BLOOD TEARS, and again, totally blameless, should go ICI

You can of course, go to Amazon - washes mouth out with soap - but I'm thinking we should do everything we can to hamper their Take Over the World approach.

Come back soon for more BLOOD TEARS stuff. Cos, frankly, over the next wee while, its all going to be about ME.

Laters,
M