Nut News

An Aberdeen man had his day in court this week for wasting police time. It seems that he presented himself at a local police station covered in cuts and bruises saying he had been mugged on the way to work.

After further questioning the chump broke down and admitted that he had inflicted the cuts on himself with a small knife and the bruises by bashing himself with a brick. The reason for this clever subterfuge? He couldn’t be arsed going in to work.

WTF fella? There’s a lot of that swine flu going about. Why didn’t he call in and say he had a sore throat, a runny tummy and he could fill a bucket with phlegm? Works every time.

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A report just published says that the NHS needs to look after its staff better. Apparently throughout Britain there are on average 45,000 of their staff off sick each day. Now, I’m not going to jump on the Let’s Slag the NHS bandwagon...as it happens I’ve had excellent service any time I’ve been in their care. Apart from the superbug I caught after my nose job. And the swab they left in after the vasectomy. In any case the swab doesn’t hurt and it gives me a fetching lobsided look.

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May Contain Nuts can’t help but feel sorry for the South African athlete, Caster Semenya. The poor woman won a gold medal at the World Athletics competition only to have a queue of people claiming she was more male than female. Envy is a terrible thing.

An IAAF spokesman, explained yesterday that “the extremely difficult, complex” gender-verification process involved “an endocrinologist, a gynaecologist, an internal medicine expert, an expert on gender and a psychologist” and would take a matter of weeks.

Apparently, there are between 20 and 30 different types of “intersex” conditions, each of them affecting the body in different ways, and it is for the medics to decide whether, if Semenya is found to have one of them, the resulting hormonal balance gives her an unfair advantage.

Now the whole world is waiting while the scientists check out this poor 18 year old’s “package”.

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A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find the motorcycle, the shattered patio door and her husband cut and bleeding. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

Some hours later, after being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.

About to stand, he flipped the cigarette butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them... they started laughing so hard, one slipped, and dropped the stretcher...The husband fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm in the process.

He has apparently given up cycling and now sells lucky white heather.