Monday, 17 January 2011

Lazy Blogging 1o1 (Jan 2011)

This came from an email sent to me by a pal. It is too funny not to share...

These are sentences exactly as typed (allegedly) by medical secretaries in NHS Glasgow. 

It fair makes you proud *sniffs*

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


  1. Wow, that was hilarious.

    As an EMT I'm sworn never to laugh at hospital staff, because they take it out on me, but ...dang... funny stuff.

  2. I'm still laughing...

    Good stuff, Michael.

  3. I hope they have left him a hole in the strategic place!

  4. Nevets and Linda - It's those occasions that YOU know what you meant to say...

    Dezmond, if you look closely there appears to be something to help him out.

  5. 29 sounds like it came right out of an erotic romance. And it's exciting to know there's a test to determine lover abnormality. I wonder when that's administered.

    Funny Funny stuff, Michael.

  6. #4 is the one that sounds like erotic romance!

    (My verification word for this: outhot)
    Detectives Beyond Borders
    "Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"

  7. And if the nose bleed will not stop, apply a tourniquet to the neck.

    Mesrine was superb.

    Ta fae Dameltin

  8. welcome fae Ayr, Rab.

    Did you see both parts of Mesrine?

  9. Oh, Thank You!

    Hope not to get hospitalised in Glasgow...

    (Almost developed a hernia from laughing.)