Friday, 10 June 2011

It's a Bob Blog

Now that I’ve been a dog-owner for nearly a year now (10 months actually  –eeesh, tempus fairly fugits, innit) I thought it was time to offer the wisdom I have accumulated to my three regular readers in case any of them are thinking of getting a mutt.

# thing 1 – big dogs take a lot of walking.

#thing 2 – big dogs take a lot of feeding.

#thing 3 – big dogs that take a lot of feeding fill poop sacs with alarmingly large poops. Think, enough to fill 
one of Jordan’s bra cups.

#thing 4 – if you take only one poop sac on your walk, said dog will do two poops – you take two sacs, he will do three. His ability to poop then grows at an exponential rate depending on the number of sacs on your possession.

#thing 5 – the poop that exceeds your ability to scoop will be done in the most public place possible.

#thing 6 – you will adopt an interval training routine which will involve you running at exactly this point. You will stop as soon as you are out of view. You will catch your breath. Eventually.

#thing 7 – the dog will always poop at the furthest point from a bin leaving you the pleasure of carrying the “article” for the longest time possible. You will swear he is smiling as he watches you carry it.

#thing 8 – you will catch walkers who are non-dog owners (What the feck is that all about? Walking when you don’t have to?) staring at your full poop sac with a long look of mild disgust.

#thing 9 – you will catch this look and give the bag a bigger swing while saying, with a huge smile, ‘You should smell his farts.’

#thing 10 – when buying jackets you don’t need to check yourself in the mirror because you no longer care what they look like. You live in Scotland so your priority is now wind and rain proofing. And enough pockets to carry a sufficiency of poop sacs.

#thing 11 – your jacket should also be dog-drool resistant. That stuff stains and gets EVERYWHERE.

#thing 12 – dogs really do reflect their owners. A friendly dog is always with a friendly, chatty owner. A crabbit, unsocial dog is always with an arse.

#thing 13 - boy dogs will always wait until you have visitors before licking their boy-bits. You will try to ignore this but the loud slurping noise makes it difficult.

#thing 14 – your teenage son will count the resultant erections (the dog’s, silly) and announce to all and sundry the number for each day.

So go forth, people and give a dog a good home. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.


  1. we actually didn't really need to know number 13 and 14, thank you very much :)

    And would that happen to be your doggy in the pic?

    I'm a cat person, but I did have at least ten or 15 dogs in my life so far (and about 100 cats, but I did grow up on a farm :) )

  2. Hi Michael,


    Been there got the T-shirt (full of drool). My golden lab is nearly two 'n' certainly knows how to poo! Name's Riley 'n' he has a life of one.

    #Thing 9 did it for me, fella.


  3. Well thanks for putting me off getting another dog! Loved the one I grew up but haven't had one since. Bob looks worth the above though.

  4. Point 10 is fantastic, any vanity I had got blew away...literally !

  5. Dez, that's a photo picked from google images but it looks very like my Bob.

    Col, you should try it next time somebody gives you that look.

    Rosemary, the pluses outweigh the minuses.

    Ricky, don't believe you. Bet you're the height of fashion when you're out with your dog.

  6. it was easier to fence in my yard than deal with poop bags. and when my boys lick inappropriately, i tell them to 'be polite' and they know exactly what i'm talking about. they are very smart. i have also trained them not to even think of waking me up to go out. they are also not allowed in the formal living room. and they can only come in the back door and they have to wipe their feet. do you think i'm being too strict? now, if i could only get my dogs trained as good as my boyfriends.

  7. Only people who really love their dogs write blog posts about them.

    My buddy Delaney is 11 1/2 years old. He's a black lab/pointer mix with the sweetest disposition. Yes, I carry the required bags when we conduct our twice-daily strolls and roll my eyes when he conducts his personal hygiene.

    I adopted Delaney as a pup because, as a single woman, I was getting kind of lonely and thought that adopting a canine friend was better for my mental health than starting to date. That was a wise choice.

    Delaney doesn't care what I wear, how I look, how much $$ I earn (or don't earn), and--most importantly--NEVER asks me to cook for him. He rode shotgun on my 2,700-mile cross country trek and didn't once make a comment about my driving.

    Dogs, especially boy labrador retriever pups, are the absolute best friend a person can have.

    Many months ago you promised us a pic of Bob - not a lookalike. Although the fella on your blog post is handsome, I feel cheated. He's a visual psuedonym.

  8. Thea, sounds like you've got it sussed.

    Linda, you got me sussed, I'm LOVING being a dog owner. As for the pictures of Bob? I will get some eventually. Problem is I can't be bothered with faffing about with cameras and pc's.

  9. faffing and sussing? habla anglez, you stud. linda, the real reason bob's pix are not displayed is because he's an agent for MI5. a secret agent, known for sniffing out crime.... i'd tell you more, but it's too doggone dangerous...

  10. faffing? Our american cousins don't use "faffing"? It is habla anglez-ing, meaning buggering about, dilly-dallying, wasting time doing meaningless tasks.

    Suss? To size up/ study/ infer/ discover/ figure out.

    As for Bob's status with M15, if I tell you, I haf to keels yoo.

  11. I love dogs. Had a big dog. Now I have a little one. Big difference in the picking-up-after department. :)

  12. Also a big difference in the amount of walking you have to do. :)

  13. Michael, Doesn't your cell phone have a camera? Snap a pic and email it to yourself. Then save on your desktop. Voila!

    Thea, Thanks for the scoop on the reason Bob's pics don't appear. I won't nag Michael about it anymore out of concern for our canine hero.