Friday, 10 June 2011
It's a Bob Blog
Now that I’ve been a dog-owner for nearly a year now (10 months actually –eeesh, tempus fairly fugits, innit) I thought it was time to offer the wisdom I have accumulated to my three regular readers in case any of them are thinking of getting a mutt.
# thing 1 – big dogs take a lot of walking.
#thing 2 – big dogs take a lot of feeding.
#thing 3 – big dogs that take a lot of feeding fill poop sacs with alarmingly large poops. Think, enough to fill
one of Jordan’s bra cups.
#thing 4 – if you take only one poop sac on your walk, said dog will do two poops – you take two sacs, he will do three. His ability to poop then grows at an exponential rate depending on the number of sacs on your possession.
#thing 5 – the poop that exceeds your ability to scoop will be done in the most public place possible.
#thing 6 – you will adopt an interval training routine which will involve you running at exactly this point. You will stop as soon as you are out of view. You will catch your breath. Eventually.
#thing 7 – the dog will always poop at the furthest point from a bin leaving you the pleasure of carrying the “article” for the longest time possible. You will swear he is smiling as he watches you carry it.
#thing 8 – you will catch walkers who are non-dog owners (What the feck is that all about? Walking when you don’t have to?) staring at your full poop sac with a long look of mild disgust.
#thing 9 – you will catch this look and give the bag a bigger swing while saying, with a huge smile, ‘You should smell his farts.’
#thing 10 – when buying jackets you don’t need to check yourself in the mirror because you no longer care what they look like. You live in Scotland so your priority is now wind and rain proofing. And enough pockets to carry a sufficiency of poop sacs.
#thing 11 – your jacket should also be dog-drool resistant. That stuff stains and gets EVERYWHERE.
#thing 12 – dogs really do reflect their owners. A friendly dog is always with a friendly, chatty owner. A crabbit, unsocial dog is always with an arse.
#thing 13 - boy dogs will always wait until you have visitors before licking their boy-bits. You will try to ignore this but the loud slurping noise makes it difficult.
#thing 14 – your teenage son will count the resultant erections (the dog’s, silly) and announce to all and sundry the number for each day.
So go forth, people and give a dog a good home. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.