No Sex We're an English Team

As the world gets crazier by the day music legend Mick Jagger is being blamed for Brazil's World Cup exit.

Brazilian internet sites point out that Jagger had backed the five-time champions to beat the Netherlands in the quarter-finals, but the Dutch won, aided by the Curse of Jagger and some horrific defending.

The rock star had previously lent his support to the United States and England. And we all know what happened to them. (For those who find football as interesting as toe-nail clippings both the USA and England crashed out in the last 16.)

Spotting Jagger's appearance with Lucas, his Brazilian son by Luciana Gimenez, at Friday's game against the Dutch, the media made him an easy target.

"Who will the Rolling Stones singer support next?" several websites worried themselves into a frenzy.

"The curse of Mick Jagger continues," said sports daily Lance: "With his support for the United States and England and Brazil the leader of the Rolling Stones has been collecting only defeats at the World Cup."

O Estado de Sao Paulo speculated: "After putting out the USA, England and Brazil - which will be the next team that Mick Jagger throws his support behind?"

Crazy as it seems I get this way of thinking. See me and Andy Murray? Every time I turn the TV on to his match he loses the next game. So I protected his Wimbledon efforts by only watching the highlights of games...until the semi with Nadal. And we all know what happened there. I’m afraid after a very close game – Rafa won 96 points and Andy won 91 – the deciding factor could only have been me.



Meanwhile back in Blighty and the footie - the “investigation” continues as to why England failed so abjectly. Wayne Rooney says he was NOT injured despite being forgiven for looking for an excuse after being voted No. 1 on most people’s blame-list. Did these people forget that Rooney is a striker and therefore by definition dependant on team-mates getting the ball to him. No ball= no goals. To be fair on the rare occasion he did get it he was as hapless as the rest of the team. Joe Cole blames their crap-ness on the success of the English league and it’s over-reliance on non-English players. Steven Gerrard along with everybody and their granny are claiming that we need technology in the game. Clearly that disallowed goal would have stopped the whole German team from getting anywhere near the English goal line for the entire second half. And the Mirror blames Ashley Cole and his 100 plus sex-pest texts on the eve of the Germany game. Don’t you just love a Sunday headline? What The Mirror has conveniently forgotten in their rush to demonize is that Ashley was easily one of England’s best players.

Just a thought; maybe they all needed to be giving their thumbs and febrile imaginations a workout? Wives and girlfriends (WAGS) were forbidden for this competition after they stole all the attention at the last world cup.

Perhaps on this occasion the whole “no sex we’re in a competition” thing was the real culprit. If they’d been allowed a wee bit of houghmagandie (it’s Old Scots – look it up) maybe they’d be in the semi-final against Spain.

I really must draw up a memo to Fabio Capella (for the uninterested he’s allegedly their manager). It’ll come with the title: Let the Boys Have Their Nookie and They’ll Be Champs Not Chumps. And this will tie in well with our preferred style of newspaper reporting, meaning the spy in the camp can sell it on to the tabloids saving the wee lambs the effort of thinking up any real stories.

Anywho, back to the gratuitous titillation....it seems our Ash is so devastated by the demise of his marriage to the nation’s favourite lollipop head, sorry, Nation’s Sweetheart, Cheryl (see how easily I pick up on tabloid cliché) that he’s developed an over-sized sexual appetite – nothing to do with the fact that he’s young, very fit, wealthy, in an all male environment and about to crawl up his own arse with boredom. An over-sized sexual appetite that demands he sends a random young woman texts (139) and pictures of his naked body, listing things he would like to do to her. (And no, ladies I don’t have the pictures.) The Mirror refuses to detail any of these texts because – get this – they are a family newspaper. They must think that reading sexual scandals and sensationalist crap over their cornflakes and semi-skimmed of a Sunday morning helps keep families together.



And finally...

To all my American visitors – Happy 4th of July. Ignore us nutters over this side of the pond and enjoy your party. Once you’ve sobered up, perhaps you’d like to leave a comment and let us know how you celebrated?

Awww bless...

Awww, bless.

And for those of you who weren’t enjoying/ lamenting the above moment...this is where the England goalkeeper allowed the USA to equalise at the World Cup, Saturday June 12, 2010.

All of which is fun and allows us Scots a wee chuckle at the cost of our near-neighbours. Yes, I know we didn’t make it to the Big Party. Again. But our attitude is quite different. Our fans sing a song that goes “We’re shite, but we know we are.” Whereas in contrast the English media behave with jingoism, parochialism and an arrogance that makes you wonder why there aren’t more England strips burning on Scottish, Welsh and Irish barbecues.

Mmm –doesn’t that red cross and white background go nicely with lamb skewers?

I’m not going to list their transgressions but if you are sitting in a living room in Scotland, Wales or Ireland watching an English broadcast of ANY World Cup game, I’m guessing you’re watching with the volume turned down.

Which brings me, rather nicely I might add to an article that appeared in a bastion of Englishness (The Mail) the other day. In said article some poor journalist got his gusset all hot and scratchy over the demise of the Queen’s English.

It seems that American English is taking over and this form of cultural imperialism is one that everyone on this side of the Atlantic should be resisting. Get your mind into Chambers and your eyes off the telly is the basic message.

One also wonders (note the grammatical excellence, people – which I then ruin by using the popular Americanism of “people”) whether the timing of this article had anything to do with the impending football/ soccer game with England taking on the USA on the playing field. After all, the guardians of all things English might argue, this is our game and you even jolly well changed its name. Poppycock and piffle of the highest order.

I admit that I have a certain amount of sympathy (this is me holding my index finger and thumb slightly apart) with this message. There are certain corporate clichés that surely originated in a US boardroom which have taken over and – if I give good English a rest for a moment – get on my tits.

Utilise – this is surely an attempt to demonstrate that the speaker has an extensive vocabulary and proves the exact fecking opposite.

Going forward – whenever I hear this one I lose the speakers message and all I can think is, fuck off and die.

There’s also the one about flying an idea “up the flagpole”, presumably to see which way the prevailing wind (general opinion) affects the idea.

However as a fan of fiction and American crime fiction in particular I think these moaning myrtles are losing a trick here. Yes, English is an incredibly rich and expressive language but it is a growing one with new words being added to the lexicon on almost a daily basis. There’s always an upside (I bet they hate that one too).

Many authors writing in, dare I say it, American English display a vibrancy of use and brio that makes the journey of their novel a more stimulating and colourful experience. And now you’re gonna ask for an example. You think I’m that well prepared? This is a flow of consciousness job I’m working on here, people. Why don’t you go and look for yourself? Pick up any of the following and savour...

James Lee Burke, Don Winslow, George Pelecanos, Walter Mosely, Elmore Leonard, Michael Malone (the American one), Jim Thompson, James M Cain, etc etc etc.

Being an erudite and well-read bunch, you guys are bound to have your own ideas here. So who would you add to this list?