Sunday, 4 July 2010

No Sex We're an English Team

As the world gets crazier by the day music legend Mick Jagger is being blamed for Brazil's World Cup exit.

Brazilian internet sites point out that Jagger had backed the five-time champions to beat the Netherlands in the quarter-finals, but the Dutch won, aided by the Curse of Jagger and some horrific defending.

The rock star had previously lent his support to the United States and England. And we all know what happened to them. (For those who find football as interesting as toe-nail clippings both the USA and England crashed out in the last 16.)

Spotting Jagger's appearance with Lucas, his Brazilian son by Luciana Gimenez, at Friday's game against the Dutch, the media made him an easy target.

"Who will the Rolling Stones singer support next?" several websites worried themselves into a frenzy.

"The curse of Mick Jagger continues," said sports daily Lance: "With his support for the United States and England and Brazil the leader of the Rolling Stones has been collecting only defeats at the World Cup."

O Estado de Sao Paulo speculated: "After putting out the USA, England and Brazil - which will be the next team that Mick Jagger throws his support behind?"

Crazy as it seems I get this way of thinking. See me and Andy Murray? Every time I turn the TV on to his match he loses the next game. So I protected his Wimbledon efforts by only watching the highlights of games...until the semi with Nadal. And we all know what happened there. I’m afraid after a very close game – Rafa won 96 points and Andy won 91 – the deciding factor could only have been me.

Meanwhile back in Blighty and the footie - the “investigation” continues as to why England failed so abjectly. Wayne Rooney says he was NOT injured despite being forgiven for looking for an excuse after being voted No. 1 on most people’s blame-list. Did these people forget that Rooney is a striker and therefore by definition dependant on team-mates getting the ball to him. No ball= no goals. To be fair on the rare occasion he did get it he was as hapless as the rest of the team. Joe Cole blames their crap-ness on the success of the English league and it’s over-reliance on non-English players. Steven Gerrard along with everybody and their granny are claiming that we need technology in the game. Clearly that disallowed goal would have stopped the whole German team from getting anywhere near the English goal line for the entire second half. And the Mirror blames Ashley Cole and his 100 plus sex-pest texts on the eve of the Germany game. Don’t you just love a Sunday headline? What The Mirror has conveniently forgotten in their rush to demonize is that Ashley was easily one of England’s best players.

Just a thought; maybe they all needed to be giving their thumbs and febrile imaginations a workout? Wives and girlfriends (WAGS) were forbidden for this competition after they stole all the attention at the last world cup.

Perhaps on this occasion the whole “no sex we’re in a competition” thing was the real culprit. If they’d been allowed a wee bit of houghmagandie (it’s Old Scots – look it up) maybe they’d be in the semi-final against Spain.

I really must draw up a memo to Fabio Capella (for the uninterested he’s allegedly their manager). It’ll come with the title: Let the Boys Have Their Nookie and They’ll Be Champs Not Chumps. And this will tie in well with our preferred style of newspaper reporting, meaning the spy in the camp can sell it on to the tabloids saving the wee lambs the effort of thinking up any real stories.

Anywho, back to the gratuitous seems our Ash is so devastated by the demise of his marriage to the nation’s favourite lollipop head, sorry, Nation’s Sweetheart, Cheryl (see how easily I pick up on tabloid cliché) that he’s developed an over-sized sexual appetite – nothing to do with the fact that he’s young, very fit, wealthy, in an all male environment and about to crawl up his own arse with boredom. An over-sized sexual appetite that demands he sends a random young woman texts (139) and pictures of his naked body, listing things he would like to do to her. (And no, ladies I don’t have the pictures.) The Mirror refuses to detail any of these texts because – get this – they are a family newspaper. They must think that reading sexual scandals and sensationalist crap over their cornflakes and semi-skimmed of a Sunday morning helps keep families together.

And finally...

To all my American visitors – Happy 4th of July. Ignore us nutters over this side of the pond and enjoy your party. Once you’ve sobered up, perhaps you’d like to leave a comment and let us know how you celebrated?


  1. I love the inside look at Scottish euphemisms on your blog. Celebrating the Fourth by watching Nadal beat Berdych, yey, Rafa and BBQ on the grill. Sports is playing havoc with my revisions and only a month to go til our football season starts and the US Open. This week should be an interesting WC final - who IS Mick backing now?

    I'll bet you're getting a lot of hate email over the Murray loss.

  2. I've had that curse this World Cup too Michael. Now I'm rooting for Holland so no doubt they'll get humped next.

  3. I don't follow your football, but have never liked Mr. Jagger. Now I have a good reason for it, right?

    I celebrated my own personal independence along with that of the U.S. during my four days off (my husband worked three of those days) by getting a book proposal out and working on two others.

    Like Marley, I love listening to you talk!

  4. No hate mail, Marley. But every tennis "expert" on the planet is queuing up to patronise, I mean offer commiserations to Murray.

    In that case root for Germany, Ricky.

    Linda, I'll just keep on talking...and now I have an excuse!