Friday, 23 July 2010

Nut Newsly

yeah...look more are seeing things. Which bring me quite nicely to my first piece of triviality. It’s been a while since I indulged my sense of the whacky. So here’s some snippets of news guaranteed to make you smile...

British police are on the hunt for a man who is leaving pictures of a penis tied in a bow in town. (This is a direct quote from the article and is a great example of crap writing. It’s not the man’s penis that is tied in a bow – that would take something of elephantine proportions would it not – but it has a yellow bow tied around it. I read this in another article. I have no insider knowledge. So don’t be coming around for some comparisons Mr. Policeman.)

Officers in Sussex are baffled as to the culprit is who is leaving the X-rated images around Lewes, East Sussex, England. (In some settings this would be a work of art. Here it is X-rated.Just saying. It's only a penis, people.)

The photos have been left as A3 and A4-sized posters in car parks and other public areas and have been found in black and white and full colour.

A Sussex Police spokesman (a man who wears a helmet shaped like a nipple) said: "We are aware of these posters and a local community support officer has removed a few, but we have not received any formal complaints. However, we are concerned that they may well cause offence or distress. "However, from what we've seen, if this is a self-portrait, the artist won't be in a hurry to be identified." (That’s a wee bit snide – and one too many howevers for my liking. Do the people who write these articles not have an editor?)

Two French Nuns Go On The Run...

Sister Marie-Daniel, 86, and Sister Saint-Denis, 82, fled their convent two weeks ago after convent officials said they were being sent to a remote mountain retreat 250 miles away.

The pair vanished from the Sisters of Saint-Joseph convent in Roquebrune-Cap-Martin, on the French Riviera convent, on July 12 and have not been seen since.

A third 89-year-old nun, Sister Maurice-Marie, has revealed she also wanted to flee but broke her leg four days before the two elderly sisters disappeared.

A convent insider had told France-Soir newspaper that the nuns were furious at being "put out to grass" in a retirement home after 50 years at the nunnery. And who would blame them? I hope they’re in some night club in Nice, smoking weed, growing dreadlocks and giving everyone they see the finger.


A 26-year-old mechanic from West Bromwich, England has officially changed his name to Buzz Lightyear.

The man, formerly known as Steve Bolton, made the change to mark the opening of Toy Story 3 in the UK, according to that paragon of truthfulness and family values, The Sun.

Mr Lightyear is reported to have said: “I'm a massive fan of Toy Story. They are my favourite films, and I've always thought Buzz would be the ultimate action hero if he wasn't a toy.

"It's a great name, a great film and my girlfriend is going to love telling people she's going out with Buzz Lightyear.”

You keep telling yourself that mate.


This fella is a proven master of over-reaction. When attempting to check out at the Gainesville, Florida Sam's Club Michael Nadeau was so intoxicated he couldn't manage to get his membership card out of his wallet. When the manager attempted to help him the drunken man attacked. As you do when someone tries to help.

Police were, of course, called and the situation escalated rapidly. Before it was over Nadeau had fled police, attempted to run down an officer, hit a another police car and a fence, led a chase to his home and fled again ( this time displaying some common sense) on foot. He is charged with: attempted murder of a law enforcement officer, trespassing, hindering a 911 call, burglary, battery, leaving the scene of a crash, fleeing and attempting to elude, and DUI.

Next time just hand over your wallet, dude.


  1. Excellent post Michael, these people are walking around !!

  2. Great fun as usual, Michael. Couldn't help noticing the irony, though, of the police officer's 'concern' over things causing 'offence or distress' the day after the Met got away with thumping Ian Tomlinson, knocking him to the ground and getting the post mortem after his subsequent heart attack carried out by an incompetent pathologist. Bit selective about the sort of distress that upsets them, aren't they?

  3. Tip of the iceberg, Ricky.

    True, Bill. The sight of a penis with a bow on it surely much more distressing to the public than lapses of institutional concentration.

  4. since it was a yellow bow, i'm suspecting the picture hanger was a woman, missing her man, who is a soldier far away somewhere dangerous. deployments take a toll on loved ones...
    Nuns on the run...sounds like they'll make a movie out of that one.

  5. Possibly, Thea on of the papers suggested it was some kind of protest.

    Good idea about the movie - I wonder if they could get Robbie Coltrane to star in it?

  6. The nuns are probably incognito on the Riviera beach. My guess.

    And uh, Michael, you were concerned about the police doing comparisons?

  7. Michael, you had me laughing out loud. Ever consider a stand-up comedy routine with this material?

  8. Sorry about the delay in replying - just back from holidays. In any case I'm sayin' nuthin', Marley.

    Linda, completely at odds with what Marley is trying to hint at, I don't have the balls for that kind of thing. Happy to dispense the laughs from behind a computer screen though.

    1. Rab fae DalmellingtonTuesday, August 05, 2014

      Too many holidays.
      You want tae dae some work.

      How ye daein dude?

    2. Hey Rab!! I'm very well, kind sir. How about yursel? Life being kind to you?