May Contain News...

BERLIN, Germany:

A couple were called to court for causing a noise nuisance during a steamy – do the newspapers think we have any other kind? - sex session. The man defended himself saying: “It was totally normal sex, nothing exciting” –his partner gave him that look, said. “Thanks, that was nice!” and stormed out.


Spain:

After billions of years the Sun finally has an owner - a woman from Spain's region of Galicia said she had registered the star at a local notary public as being her property. What, there’s no Marks and Spencers?

Angeles Duran, 49, told the online edition of daily El Mundo she took the step in September after reading about an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our Solar System.

There is an international agreement which states that no country may claim ownership of a planet or star, but it says nothing about individuals, she added.

"There was no snag,’ she explained herself. ‘I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first."

And why not. I’m sure it will look lovely over her fireplace.



BOULDER, Colorado -- Your head is thumping, you're ravenously hungry and your house is littered with empty cans. Who you gonna call? Hangover Helpers.

Two University of Colorado graduates are kicking off a new business by that name in Boulder. They'll deliver breakfast burritos and Gatorade (whatever the feck that is) the morning after a party - AND clean up the mess.

The daily rag in Boulder reported that Marc Simons started cleaning party houses about a year ago for extra dollars and realized he'd found a niche.

In case you feel the need, and you are in the vicinity, they charge $15 per roommate. If you have a big house all to yourself, I’m guessing you’re in for a bargain.

Where were they when I was in my early twenties?



And now to the Far East...

Authorities in Cambodia warned men against do-it-yourself penis enlargement treatments, in the aftermath of a case in which a man committed suicide because of the side-effects of a botched enlargement attempt.

It appears this sad article had been injecting hair tonic into his own penis. The hair tonic was advertised as giving thicker and more lustrous hair. It did not have the same effect upon the man's penis. Instead, the injections caused massive, excruciating ulceration of the phallus.

This was apparently so agonising that he hanged himself to end the pain.

And they say men are penis obsessed and afraid to go to the doctors. Wonder where that notion comes from?



And back to those wacky Germans in Berlin:

A 64-year-old DIY enthusiast built a brick wall in his cellar in an attempt to seal it off and save on heating bills, BUT in a major moment of stupidity was on the wrong side of his wall when the last cemented brick was slotted into place.

Our wacky German was trapped in his man-made dungeon for two days before deciding to use a jackhammer on the OTHER wall. The one he didn’t build, that lead to his neighbour's home. He was so proud of his own handiwork he refused to disturb it and instead ruined his neighbour’s perfectly good – and well considered construction.

"Whoops, you might say," said a police spokesman. (They all talk like that in Germany. Except it may well be pronounced “Voops”.) Who was waiting on the other side of the wall to arrest him for disturbing the peace. And for pissing of his neighbour.

Something for the weekend...

Police in Florida arranged for a local TV news station to show a store’s surveillance video in which an identified man was seen pistol whipping another dude. The news station appealed for help from their audience to solve this crime and received help from a wholly unexpected source.

The pistol-whipper himself phoned the police department to ask why his picture was on the news.

Eejit.



Just as I’m about to take on the emotional ties of a pet I come across a news article that makes me worry about what might happen should I get too attached. ..

Tsutomu Mizumoto, 31, was arrested early on Wednesday on the northern island of Hokkaido, the Mainichi daily reported.

Police said they responded to an emergency call about 5:45am about a car driving the wrong way on a motorway near the city of Otaru. They spotted the vehicle and pursued the driver, ordering him to stop.

Mizumoto ignored them (as you do when you are upset) and drove on, smashing through five emergency blockades and passing through a tollgate. He finally stopped at about 7:15am. (Did he run out of petrol?)

"I was sad that my pet cat died," he was quoted as telling police. "I wanted to do something crazy."

The average dog lives what, 10-15 years? I have lots of time to think up something nuts to do when he pops off to doggy heaven. Any suggestions?





Driver Bryan Parslow, 19, injured himself and three passengers when he crashed into a tree near Wheatland, N.Y., in May. He was playing "hold your breath" with his passengers and passed out

You’ve got to admire his determination to win, dontcha?



It’s silly season in UK newspapers with everyone (tabloids and broadsheets alike) getting all prissy about William Hague (the Foreign Secretary) and the allegations that were jumping all over the interweb. It appears he’s been found “guilty” of sharing a hotel bedroom with a political aide who happened to be male. Oh the shock of it. Two men sharing a room. They must be gay, was the verdict on the electronic highway.

Grow up, people.

Then proving that smart people do incredibly stupid things Hague compounded matters by using his wife’s miscarriages as “proof” he is a hetero.

WTF, Willy?

Back to men sharing a room –whether they are playing hide the sausage or not – here’s a great big SFW.

I’ll admit to liking my own space when away from home. Part of the joy of having a room to yourself is being able to go about in the buff, fart and snore to your heart’s content without someone else screaming at you to hide your man junk, go to the loo or sleep with a tennis ball sown onto the back of your pyjamas. Just saying.

Nut Newsly

yeah...look more closely...you are seeing things. Which bring me quite nicely to my first piece of triviality. It’s been a while since I indulged my sense of the whacky. So here’s some snippets of news guaranteed to make you smile...

British police are on the hunt for a man who is leaving pictures of a penis tied in a bow in town. (This is a direct quote from the article and is a great example of crap writing. It’s not the man’s penis that is tied in a bow – that would take something of elephantine proportions would it not – but it has a yellow bow tied around it. I read this in another article. I have no insider knowledge. So don’t be coming around for some comparisons Mr. Policeman.)

Officers in Sussex are baffled as to the culprit is who is leaving the X-rated images around Lewes, East Sussex, England. (In some settings this would be a work of art. Here it is X-rated.Just saying. It's only a penis, people.)

The photos have been left as A3 and A4-sized posters in car parks and other public areas and have been found in black and white and full colour.


A Sussex Police spokesman (a man who wears a helmet shaped like a nipple) said: "We are aware of these posters and a local community support officer has removed a few, but we have not received any formal complaints. However, we are concerned that they may well cause offence or distress. "However, from what we've seen, if this is a self-portrait, the artist won't be in a hurry to be identified." (That’s a wee bit snide – and one too many howevers for my liking. Do the people who write these articles not have an editor?)

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Two French Nuns Go On The Run...

Sister Marie-Daniel, 86, and Sister Saint-Denis, 82, fled their convent two weeks ago after convent officials said they were being sent to a remote mountain retreat 250 miles away.

The pair vanished from the Sisters of Saint-Joseph convent in Roquebrune-Cap-Martin, on the French Riviera convent, on July 12 and have not been seen since.

A third 89-year-old nun, Sister Maurice-Marie, has revealed she also wanted to flee but broke her leg four days before the two elderly sisters disappeared.

A convent insider had told France-Soir newspaper that the nuns were furious at being "put out to grass" in a retirement home after 50 years at the nunnery. And who would blame them? I hope they’re in some night club in Nice, smoking weed, growing dreadlocks and giving everyone they see the finger.


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A 26-year-old mechanic from West Bromwich, England has officially changed his name to Buzz Lightyear.


The man, formerly known as Steve Bolton, made the change to mark the opening of Toy Story 3 in the UK, according to that paragon of truthfulness and family values, The Sun.

Mr Lightyear is reported to have said: “I'm a massive fan of Toy Story. They are my favourite films, and I've always thought Buzz would be the ultimate action hero if he wasn't a toy.

"It's a great name, a great film and my girlfriend is going to love telling people she's going out with Buzz Lightyear.”

You keep telling yourself that mate.


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This fella is a proven master of over-reaction. When attempting to check out at the Gainesville, Florida Sam's Club Michael Nadeau was so intoxicated he couldn't manage to get his membership card out of his wallet. When the manager attempted to help him the drunken man attacked. As you do when someone tries to help.

Police were, of course, called and the situation escalated rapidly. Before it was over Nadeau had fled police, attempted to run down an officer, hit a another police car and a fence, led a chase to his home and fled again ( this time displaying some common sense) on foot. He is charged with: attempted murder of a law enforcement officer, trespassing, hindering a 911 call, burglary, battery, leaving the scene of a crash, fleeing and attempting to elude, and DUI.

Next time just hand over your wallet, dude.