Thursday, 30 December 2010

Xmas Past.


I’ve created a monster, people. Oh, and I watched some movies.

That’s my response when folk ask the question, “What did you get up to over the holidays?”
The monster?

The Queen of Chaos was over for dinner and I showed her how many people have been reading about her in my two festive blog posts.

Oooo, she says, do you get any money for this? (with the subtext of: and if you do, what’s my cut?)
She was, it is fair to say, crestfallen when I explained how blogging works.

That’s rubbish, she says.

Then as the meal progressed, she ended every sentence with: hey, you could put that on your blog. Your readers will piss themselves laughing.

We met in town two days later. She had just taken back a bracelet I bought her (too big – who ever heard of a bracelet being too big? Or is that just a guy comment?) and somehow the shop assistant read £14.99 on the receipt as £1.

QC told her where to go. My brother is no skinflint, she told her. No way would he buy a present for me that was only £1.

Then as chance would have it, our paths crossed. She grabbed my sleeve and pulled me in the direction of the shop, like a terrier pulling its owner to save the distressed child, all the while talking about 100 miles per hour about the rip-off merchants who tried to give her £1 for “that beautiful bracelet”.

A new shop assistant tried (unsuccessfully) not to laugh as QC went into a fresh tirade about how “loaded” I was (I wish) and how generous I was and how I always spend a fortune on her and how there was no way I would only spend £1 on her and how I am not a skinflint and how I had also bought a lovely dress for her and it was nearly £40.

It was like she considered her minutes long monologue as proof of the price of the bracelet. (And was further evidence, if I ever needed it that my sister is obsessed with knowing the price of things.)

That’s all very nice, Sis, I said, but all you need to do is show the nice lady the receipt.

Oh, Right. She wrestled in her cavernous bag (one question – do women REALLY need to carry all that stuff?) for about thirty minutes. You ever tried to dig a hole in the sand as a kid? You dig down, pile up the sand on the sides of the hole and it just slips down and fills back up again? This was what was going on with QC and the Giant Bag. Eventually, after inflation rose a few notches, I grew another couple of gray hairs and the wee fella grew a giant pimple on his chin – the receipt was produced with a triumphant, Ta Da.

The first shop assistant appeared, she admitted her error and QC was given the run of the shop to pick a replacement. All’s well that ends well – especially since the shop now had its sale on and everything was half price.

You could put this on your blog, said QC as she left the shop with her new goodies.

As a wee aside – some of the movies I watched over the last few days...

Avatar – yes, again. And again the wee fella ranted about how the movie might look good, but they’d basically nicked the storyline. And it was gross to see all those giant blue butts. And now they’re kissing, he says. How gay is that? (It seems I tuned out for two minutes and the meaning of the word has changed again.)

Casablanca – I put a gag on the wee fella and watched this in peace.

As I did with It’s A Wonderful Life – and yes, I had a lump in my throat.

New Town Killers – Dougray Scott goes psycho. Cool and edge of your seat type of stuff. No comments from the wee fella as I removed the gag and sent him to bed. With bread and water.

Bienvenue Chez les Ch’tis (Welcome to the Sticks) – this is a French comedy gem that you’ll sit watching with a smile stuck to your face. A man is transferred to the north of France – Nord Pas de Calais. Everybody in every other part of France would hate to go there. But our man falls in love with the place and the people and when he goes back to the south he feels he has to pretend that he is miserable or his family and friends will simply feel he has gone mad. A character in the movie summed it up when he said that everyone cries twice when they visit the region. Once when they arrive (because they hate the thought of it) and once again when they leave (because they have fallen in love with it.)
Loved it. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. Buy, beg or borrow a copy now, today.

The Expendables – the wee fella said this was the worst movie he’d ever seen. Wasted by having all these amazing action stars and giving them like a minute on screen and that guy (Stallone) is ugly and can’t act and talks funny. His rant was fairly impressive and suggests that he might be taking over here quite soon.

And I quote – “Interesting movie having all of these action stars from the eighties and nineties, but the problem is that the story is average, half of the actors do nothing – what is the point of having Willis and Schwarzenegger and giving them 5 second roles? And then have Stone Cold Steve Austin and have him barely speak. So what do I think of it? I give it a fricken 2 out of 10. Don’t rent or buy, it is a useless piece of crap.”

I fear, I may have created another monster.


  1. I must say that I agree with the wee fella about the way Stallone talks--if he talks in the movie with his native Brooklyn accent.

    I lived the first five years of my life in Brooklyn, NY and didn't realize how awful most people think the accent is until I moved to Massachusetts at age 11.

    I have since elminated most of the NY from my accent, which I've been told has evolved into something quite odd. I guess combining Brooklyn with Boston with Rhode Island with Montana now makes me an obvious foreigner WHEREVER I go.

    Since I sold one of my two businesses this week and will be working primarily from home in the future... and all by myself ... I will seldom need to tawk anymore. That's sounding pretty good!

    Happy New Year!

  2. Hey Linda, good fortune with all your fresh endeavours. And we don't care how you tawk.

  3. I like the NY accent, Linda, although not the one used by Stallone, whatever that is. And, once again, Michael, I'm with the wee man on Avatar, but he's too refined to use the intemperate expletives I'd apply to what I thought was very expensive crap.

    Oh, and since your sister probably reads this blog now, can I say what a charming woman I think she is and that you're lucky to have her as a sibling.

  4. I loved The Expendables too ! New Town Killers sounds interesting.

  5. Sometimes something just doesn't read the way you mean it to sound. Comment re: Expendables was intended to read like....(and to think) I loved The Expendables too!...I just can't seem to type feigned indignation.

  6. To be honest Bill, QC's only interest in a computer is to find the medical diagnostic sites. The good fortune is all hers. Nah, only joking. I love her to bits, really.

    Ricky, feigned indignation is always better when you add a wee bit of a mince to it. Which to be fair is difficult to pull off in a typed comment.

  7. those bay windows are absolutely stunning! Love the whole house!

  8. Michael and Bill - Isn't the Internet wonderful? Unless we mention our accents, no one knows they exist.

    Happy New Year!

  9. So I sez to my one-legged wife, Peg... the art of tawkin NY is to drop your r's, ya know? anyway, even though i was born and bred in Manhattan, I too get blown away with the accents. my cuz and her hub are in town and it's been a scene of Jersey Shore meets Archie Bunker. her hub is loud and rough and finally, while watching the bubble descend on times square on tv, he said something and i, tucked in the corner of the couch was heard to utter (or mutter), 'oh, the humanity' which got the biggest laugh of the night. can i make it through one more day of company???? big hearted guy but oy! vey! it would definitely be a clash of the titans if he and QC were evah together in a room together. we could sell tickets...anyway, mikey, happy new year! p.s. for the same reason The Expendables doesn't work is the plot for Avatar. Just a crap story. And why do we need avatars to do acting. it's a bad.idea.period. xoxoxox

  10. happy new yea back atcha, Thea. You hit the nail on the head about the crap story. Couldn't agree more.

  11. Ooh, yeah, monster city, Michael J. It's a good thing he's so smart because you're going to need someone to help you when the books start selling and the promo gets too much.

    Okay, you guys know how I feel about Avatar, but that's what's great about living in a, ahem, tolerant? universe right? I can see it four times and love it every time and you can hate it. Of course mostly what I loved was the color, the gushy themes and the music. And well, ok, I'm being honest now, What I really wanted was one of those flying dragon thingies. I've always loved SPEEEEEEED. Can. U. Imagine diving off a space suspended mountain on the back of one of those things. Ahh.

  12. Biloute ch'est mi!

    What about the restaraunt when he learns to speak in dialect (Ch'ti), he gets the order perfect and the waiter apologises and say "Am sorry a cannae unnerstaun ye, am fae Paris".

    Glad you liked it and I hope the subtitles were ok.

    Ch'alut Biloute!

    Ms Tizzot.

  13. Right back atcha, Rab. (whatever you said). That bit in the restaurant was hilarious. One of many highlights. Have you any more like it?
    (oh and the subtitles were perfect)

    Have you seen "36 Quai Des Orfevres"? Depardieu is astonishingly good in it.

  14. Naw, but a wull+I see it has 2 giants of the French film industry, Daniel Auteuil and Gerard Depardieu. So wae these two in it, it is a must. Glad les sous-titres wur awricht. I hae, whit I believe to be, one of the greatest films ever made (2nd tae The Shawshank Redemption). Actually its one story but done over 2 films, not only has the previous 2 giants of French film, it has THEE giant in it as weel, Yves Montand. It is called "Jean De Florette" (is part wan), and "Manon Des Sources" (is part twa). BUT PLEEZ don't read about it, maybe just the story line for part wan:

    DO NOT read aboot part 2 as it will destroy the absolute, most awful, heart breaking, gauranteed tae make ye greet (well mibees its just me being a big lassie) last 15/20 mins of the film. Wan scene Montand says NOT A WORD and it is one of the most incredible pieces of acting I ever witnessed. Absoultely heart wrenching. Yur welcome tae pick the films up.

  15. I've got them, Rab. Huvnae got roon tae watchin' Manon Des Sources yet. But after reading that I'll get a wiggle on.

  16. Am incognito wae ma secret name:

    SO, I must hae gi'ed ye thum LOL. Auld age disnae cum itsel AULD yin. A doot um gettin wannert (titters profusely).

    Be bad

  17. SecretRab, yur no wannert. I bocht them ages ago. (BTW, the date gie'd ye awa)

  18. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.