Friday, 4 February 2011

Smiling with Rabbie.

I had my annual dose of Burns the other night. Let me re-phrase... I was at a Burns Supper last weekend.
300 men in a large hall, eating haggis, drinking whisky etc, listening to Burns’ poetry and the guest speakers’ dirty jokes. What’s not to love?

For an evening all of these men are kept enthralled by the great man’s work, but the shame is... and I’m making a guess here, but I would think the bulk of the audience then forget about him until next year’s Burns’ Supper. As for looking at other poetry? Fuggedaboutit.

Also... I’m all for being proud of our national bard, his work is known throughout the planet and brings a gazillion visitors to our shores every year, but can he not be the be-all-and-end-all? Scotland has a host of fantastic poets and authors and guess what? Lots of them are still alive!!!! And what’s more lots of them could do with making a living at it.

Don’t get me wrong, Burns deserves his place, but too much attention on the dead guy gives no room to the peeps who could turn out to be the nation’s future literary stars.

Just sayin’.

Anywho, back to the Supper. The speakers and performers were, to a man, brilliant. As usual I spent the night laughing at the anecdotes and jokes and thinking; I must remember that, I must remember that, I must remember that.

Here are a couple I managed to store in the old gray cells.

One speaker tried to give a definition of poetry in comparison to prose.
He said, “There was a young woman from Madras.
Who went in to the water up to her knees.
This is prose. If she had kept on walking it would have been poetry.”

Another speaker talked about young Johnny who was asked a question by his teacher. There are 8 crows on the wall, the teacher said, if the farmer shoots one how many are left?
None, said Johnny. Because the sound of the gun would have made them all fly away.
The actual answer is 7, said the teacher but I like the way you’re thinking.
I’ve a question for you, said Johnny. There are three women on a park bench eating an ice-lolly. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking the lolly. Which one is married?
The one who is sucking, said the teacher.
No, said Johnny, it’s the one wearing the wedding ring. But I like the way you’re thinking.

Another guy talked about visiting his old stomping ground (a local small seaside town that has a bit of a rough rep) when he still worked in the local police force. He walked along the seafront to a public convenience. He was delighted to recognise the caretaker from his time there all those years ago. ‘Howzitgaun?’ he asked the ol’ fella.

The ol’ fella mashed his guns before replying. ‘Know what? With all these dope-heads, junkies and homosexuals, it’s a breath of fresh air when someone comes in here for a shite.”

And on that note, I’m offski.


If any of the jokes I've replayed cause offence you can register said offence at


  1. What's haggis?

    If my mother were alive, and I asked her, she'd tell me to look it up in the dictionary. Since she's not here, and even if she CAN hear can't speak, I'm hoping you'll just answer. I suspect your response will be much more colorful than the dictionary's.

    Oh, BTW, the leftover brussels sprouts from a couple of weeks ago are growing in the fridge...

  2. Linda, I would be sick inside your fridge. Honestly. As for haggis... it is a rare creature found on Scottish moors about the size of a rabbit, but not as fecund. One pup in the life of each female. No, wait a haggis is...

  3. It has a long coat, and the legs on one side are shorter than on the other. Or is it longer? Anywho, they are like rabbits. (nearly typed rabbis) They are every-freakin'-where. So we chop em up and stick em in a pot.

  4. Haggis is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally simmered in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours. Most modern commercial haggis is prepared in a casing rather than an actual stomach.
    Haggis is a kind of sausage, or savoury pudding cooked in a casing of sheep's intestine, as many sausages are. As the 2001 English edition of the Larousse Gastronomique puts it, "Although its description is not immediately appealing, haggis has an excellent nutty texture and delicious savoury flavour".

    courtesy of wikipedia - who also say that according "a poll" 30% of the Americans visiting Scotland believe it to be an animal. Probably because of all the cuddly toy "haggis" that sell in gift shops. (That last bit was me.)

  5. Haggis is delicious. We have it regularly. And when we spent a year in France, my wife used to do the occasional Scottish evening for our friends and neighbours and stuffing tomatoes (or even better, baby neeps) with haggis produces a dish which even the French enthuse over.

    As for being offended by your jokes, Michael, I shall of course steal them and repeat them constantly.

  6. Oh, liking the stuffing idea, Bill. Might try that one day soon.

  7. Loved the wan aboot "The Shite" hehehe.

    Reminds me when I worked in the pit and stayed on the miners rows in Burnton.

    Old miner and his "boay" were sittin at their piece on a Friday efternoon.
    Old Jimmy says "So Friday night son eh! you'll be headin out the nicht chasin the lassies"
    Young Tommy says "Naw no me Jimmy, am no very guid wae lassies, am awfy shy and dinnae really ken whit tae say tae them and a never meet wan oanywye".
    Old Jimmy says "Och ye must meet at least wan lassie".
    Young Tommy says "Well there is wan lassie I meet every morning, we stay on the miners rows and its ootside toilets, so a pass her every morning".
    Old Jimmy says "Well there ye go, the next time ye pass her stop, just say something like "Morning" and she'll say morning back, then say "Lovely morning isn't it" and then just take it from there.
    Young Tommy says "OK Jimmy I'll try".
    Next morning young Tommy is heading to the toilet where he sees the bonnie lassie, he stops and starts to stumble "Eh, eh eh MORNING!"
    She says "Good morning"
    He says "Eh, eh eh ehhhhhhhhhh Its a nice morning isn't it?"
    She says "yes its a beautiful morning"
    He says "Eh Eh Ehhhhhhh Eh Been furra shite?"

  8. Nice one, Rab. I'm gonnae steal it.

  9. ARRRRrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhh

    Gaunnae OK

    See you city boys, cannae spel richt ataw

  10. Or,

    Gaunnae no dae that!

  11. ps

    Mesrine c'est superb!

    Merci a vous.

  12. Bien. Avez-vouz vu "Dumas"? And that's as far as I'll take that conversation in French. Apparently it caused a bit of a stushie because Dumas was mixed-race and Depardieu clearly iznae. Caught five mins of it on Cinemoi. Looks excellent.

  13. Tete de Numptee 1952Thursday, February 17, 2011

    Disnae appear tae be "available". Might hae tae buy it :o(

    Whilst I agre he most certainly isnae 50/50 he is a great actor, likes the high life, weemin and a few bevvies. Kinda like Dumas, so ither than the colour it wur a guid choice. Ahink!