The lovely DONNA MOORE was chairing one of the events I was part of at last weekend's Crimefest in Bristol.
Part of her brief to the panellists - DOUGLAS LiNDSAY, DAMiAN SEAMAN, HELeN FiTZGERALD and moi - was to write an alternative biography to read out at the event.
Now, being a kind of whacky broad, I knew that Donna would be looking for something equally whacky. So this is what I came up with ...
MICHAEL J.MALONE – A LIFE IN A COUPLE OF EPiC PARAGRAPHS
"Its fair to say that
life has been less than kind to Michael J. Malone. He was reared by foster
parents in a kibbutz on the west coast of Scotland, just south of Saltcoats,
the estranged loved child of Alex Salmond and Dame Edna Everage.
Word got out about his parentage, so he was shunned by his
peers. But he didn’t help himself, having a penchant for shouting “Freedom” in
an antipodean falsetto at random strangers, while waving a large flower in the
air.
A lonely child – (1, 2, 3 AWWWW) - its sadder than that - everything he
learned about life, he learned from books. He learned to approach emotion by
reading Danielle Steel, how to avoid clowns from Stephen King, how to avoid
prison from Jeffrey Archer and how to wiggle his eyebrows from Ian Fleming. What he learned from Puppetry of the Penis is
best left to the imagination.!
Is any of that true? What is truth? You can't handle the truth!
