Thursday, 31 May 2012

An Alternative Bio ...

The lovely DONNA MOORE was chairing one of the events I was part of at last weekend's Crimefest in Bristol.

Part of her brief to the panellists - DOUGLAS LiNDSAY, DAMiAN SEAMAN, HELeN FiTZGERALD and moi - was to write an alternative biography to read out at the event.

Now, being a kind of whacky broad, I knew that Donna would be looking for something equally whacky. So this is what I came up with ...


"Its  fair to say that life has been less than kind to Michael J. Malone. He was reared by foster parents in a kibbutz on the west coast of Scotland, just south of Saltcoats, the estranged loved child of Alex Salmond and Dame Edna Everage.

Word got out about his parentage, so he was shunned by his peers. But he didn’t help himself, having a penchant for shouting “Freedom” in an antipodean falsetto at random strangers, while waving a large flower in the air.

A lonely child – (1, 2, 3 AWWWW) -  its sadder than that - everything he learned about life, he learned from books. He learned to approach emotion by reading Danielle Steel, how to avoid clowns from Stephen King, how to avoid prison from Jeffrey Archer and how to wiggle his eyebrows from Ian Fleming.  What he learned from Puppetry of the Penis is best left to the imagination.!

Is any of that true? What is truth? You can't handle the truth!


  1. Dare you to read that - I'd like to know how the last bit of information goes over with an audience.

  2. I did read it, Alex. The last part got a big laugh. And a request for a demonstration later in the bar. Which I declined natch.

  3. All I can say is that was quite an unforgettable introduction to new crime writer Michael J Malone. But that's what you want!

  4. Somehow I can't see you sitting on your couch reading Danielle Steele. How funny! This is kind of like those bizarre commercials that leave you scratching your head but remembering the name of the product! Excellent.