Wednesday, 3 February 2010

You're doing what?

The TV is off tonight. Yes, I’m having a TV free evening. Go me.

What prompted this? It feels like recently I’ve come in from work, made my (delicious and nutritious and mostly fat-free, preservative-free and taste-free) dinner, answered my emails and then vegged out in front of the HD Ready for a couple of hours before going to bed.

What a boring existence. But I’m trying not to feel bad about it. The newspapers are full of articles about how this is the most depressing time of the year – after the excitement of Christmas, in the middle of the worst of the winter and before the sun makes its fleeting appearance in the spring it’s only natural for us to feel out of sorts. Maybe I’m suffering from SAD. Maybe I could get a spray-tan. A day-glo orange look would perk me right up, no?

Don’t worry. Ain’t going to happen. I’d rather pierce my eyelid with a fishhook, attach it to the roof and hang about for a couple of hours until my eyelid has been stretched enough to cover my entire head, while I sang "How’s that for a hoodie?"

Did I just take that too far?

AND I’ve been neglecting my blogging duties of late. Please forgive me. I could cite the pressures of work and the fact I have books to read and review and poems to critique and shite TV to watch and good TV to watch (I am officially a Gleek) and a goddamned book to finish. So I will.

As if you give a flying foxhat. Just give me some blogs, you lazy basturt.

What’s been going on in the life of MichaelMalonepoetandauthor?

I spotted a hair growing out of the top of my right ear yesterday. No. Wait. It was like three inches long and pointing straight up like a follicular version of the Eiffel Tower. Where did it come from? It wasn’t there the night before. Can a hair really grow three inches in a matter of hours while I sleep? And why is it on the outside of my ear? And why is there only one at a time? Can you imagine if there was hundreds? I would have like a Mohican on each ear overnight. MAD.

And this is where it gets REALLY interesting. No. Wait. When I tried to pull it out, it snapped back into a curl. Like a follicular version of a pig’s tail. How cool is that?

Wuhoo. I have a curl. My cup runneth over.

Ehm. Do you think I should turn the TV back on?


  1. Yes, is the answer. And also to the earlier question: you just took that too far. Like a snuff remake of The Last King of Scotland. I've just had breakfast.

  2. I may have taken it too far, Gillian but I'm sure I balanced it against the charming little anecdote about the hair on my ear. No?

  3. Actually I was wonder what a Mohican on both ears would look like... And surely you'd rather have a tan than go through the hook n eyelid scenario. Owie.

  4. Michael, you're right to remonstrate (albeit gently) with Gillian. The eyelid riff was terrific, and beautifully counterpointed by the enthusiastic ear hair. Stop not blogging; I need more laughs like this.

  5. Thank you for your ongoing support, Bill. And I have indeed stopped not blogging. See Sunday's offering.