Friday, 22 October 2010

It's a joke, so laugh dammit!

A SAMPLE from THE alleged TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME ...

...and not even a mention of David Cameron

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''.

8. Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

The study was carried out after –and this is my favourite - Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

What’s your favourite?


  1. #3, followed closely by #4.

    I know that as a woman I'm supposed to hate blonde jokes, but I can't help it...they crack me up. I'm surrounded by blondes every day--male and female, and brunettes and redheads.

  2. I think I'm on board with your favorite, Michael, though I can't stop loving #8.

  3. My seven year old loves #15, the joke about the fish in the tank. For me it has to be the Wedgie Kray gag.

  4. What about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

    He sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog!

  5. What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association. . . I'm with you on the best but I also liked 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"
    I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".'

  6. Rab, are you saying there isn't?

    Paul, I think it's only the super intelligent that like the holiday of a lifetime one. I told it at work and you could hear the tumbleweed getting blown by.

  7. Can't help it, #4. Followed by #37. Though it was kind of you to share the entire list.

  8. Your secret's safe with me, marley.

  9. ah, I've never really understood British jokes, although I adore British humor on TV :) But I love the jokes with animals as the main characters :)

  10. i like no. 1 - i had a friend once who, i swear, had a baby that looked like a money. it was a challenge for me to not say a word

  11. sorry, looked like a monkey

  12. Thea the Diplomat. I know what you mean, but the poor woman would have been crushed had you said anything.

  13. The Tim Vine is terrific - and part of an incredible routine that has more laughs a minute than I've ever heard. But Tommy Cooper's is a gem (of course).