Monday, 18 May 2009

Grated Cheese

I bought grated cheese today in Tesco. This, according to Glyn and She Who Must Not Be Named is the height of laziness and should result in nothing but derision from my peers. In fact, when I told them the other day that I regular do so, you’d have thought I’d admitted to spitting on Santa’s scone.
I am unrepentant. I cannae see what their problem is. The price was the same for the same quantity of cheese in a block. So why not save yourself the time and energy – cos I’m going to grate it anyway – by buying it already grated?
In fact, so unrepentant am I that I scoured the shop for other items that were already prepared and ready for cooking. I found some frozen diced onion. Genius. I love onions, but hate chopping them. This is down to my highly sensitive nature, dontcha know?
Know what? Delia with her cheats...she was on to something there. Just took me a while to cotton on. What else is out there or what else can I come up with to save the nation some time? It’s worth investigating innit, given that we are all so time poor these days? What about apples that are pre-peeled? French wine complete with fly? Mars bars already cut into chunks? And here’s a great time saving idea - alcohol that is so strong you can go from sober to pissed in moments. What a fantastic idea. We’re not talking about saving mere seconds, we’re talking the possibility of saving an entire weekend! I’m off to the Patents website before anyone else beats me to it. And then you can find all the details on

If you have ever been beset with that thorny question of who would win in a fight between a crow and a squirrel, the time to stop fretting is now. The crow, with the evil stiletto beak chased the poor wee squirrel under my car tires this evening. Don’t worry, I jumped on the brakes in time. Which isn’t going to look too good on the insurance claim form.

Angry MPs were having a go at Michael Martin today, says the BEEB website. They were demonstrating the old tactic of deflecting attention somewhere else in order to appear less guilty. Guess what, guys and gals, it didnae work. Here’s a novel thought – if you chumps hadn’t been caught with your sticky fingers in the public sweetie jar he wouldn’t have had a situation to deal with in the first place. Oh right, he helps makes the rules, you just follow them. Horseshit. It’s like a bunch of schoolkids caught stealing. They’ve got one hand behind their backs hiding their swag and the other is pointing at someone else, while they shout. ‘It wiznae me, Sir, it wiz him! He made me do it!’ I wish they would just stop looking for someone to blame, fix the bloody thing and go back to running the country into the ground.

Personally, I blame the scapegoat.


  1. The thrifty farmer's wife part of me was tut tutting - until I came to the 'same price' bit. And I don't care how much the chopped onions cost,I want them. Runny eyes and snottery nose are not a good image for me.

    All that time saved not grating cheese, etc. will, of course, be spent writing THE NOVEL I trust?

    Janice J

  2. Hey, JJ. Yes of course you are correct. All time saved will be spent on the magnum opus. And runny eyes etc is not a good look on any one. Frozen chopped onions rock!

  3. Costs the same....not so sure about that Mr Malone. I'm on the side of the thrifty farmers wife!!!!!

    She who must not be named x

  4. £1.89 for the same weight - grated or in a block. So there. And you should be on your way to work, young lady...while I relax and breathe and get busy doing nothing.