Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Nutty News

Relatives of Brazilian Ademir Jorge Goncalves, I.D.’d him as the victim of a Sunday night car crash. The funeral was organised for the very next day. Hot country. Need to bury body fast, is my guess.

What family members did not know was that Mr Goncalves had spent the night at a lorry park talking to friends over drinks of a sugarcane liquor known as cachaca – and was nowhere near the accident. He was quick to sober up the next morning when he got word about his own funeral. The bricklayer rushed to the ceremony to let his loved ones know that the reports of his death were somewhat premature. He had his sleeves rolled up in case anyone wanted to check his pulse (ok, I made that bit up).

"The corpse was badly disfigured, but dressed in similar clothing," said the police spokesman.

‘Holy fuck,’ said his father when Ademir walked/ ran/ skidded into the church.

Wouldn’t you have loved to have been a fly on that wall? I’m guessing a few tooth cavities and tonsils were in clear view that day.


An American couple are looking into other methods of having children after they discovered that she was allergic to his sperm. This potential relationship-breaking discovery was made... on their wedding night.

Mike and Julie Boyde of Ambridge, Pennsylvania, went out for two years after meeting at university. Before their wedding, the couple say they always used protection, (because of course everybody wanted to know how this had not become apparent) but once they got hitched and subsequently ditched the condoms, things started to go badly wrong.

We’re not talking just a slight itch here. We’re talking blisters and burning in her most tender of parts.

Bet that put a dampener on the honeymoon.

A 70-year-old shoplifter in Germany tried to evade capture by biting his arresting officer. Knives, guns and any amount of weaponry must have been discounted by pensioner Gustav Ernegger when he went werewolf, after he was caught stealing a shirt.

However, his cunning plan went somewhat awry when instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums.

He’d left his falsies at home.


Want to talk about your toilet experiences? Fancy downloading your thoughts about what happens when you go for a ....how do I put this delicately...not even gonna try...a dump? Well soon you will have your shot for it seems that Proctor and Gamble are going to have a special toilet installed in Times Square, NY during the holiday season, as a promo for Charmin tissue. There will also be 5 bloggers on hand to help thousands of the newly empty-bowelled share their experience across the web. Because that – clearly - is what the world is desperate to know. This will include photos. Of the “family friendly” variety, apparently. (There’s a relief).

Regulars will know how shy I am of sharing my own life experiences, but I feel like flying over to add my comments. Cos here’s the problem: the fecking paper is TOO soft. You’re sat there doing your thing, after you’ve done your thing and...the paper gives way. Last time this happened made me realise I needed to cut my fingernails. Not nice.


  1. I love news day &;D

  2. i always thought of Proctor and Gamble as a bit of a stodgy company - must have retired the old crowd and hired some youngins!! they are obviously 'flush' with ideas. regarding the sperm allergy - i mean, how many ways can the universe tell you he's not 'the one'!!! actually, i've heard of this problem before. hey mikey, on a different subject, my son is going to be in Edinburgh for a 4 day weekend (t'giving weekend). any suggestions for a first timer in scotland? he's 23. let me know!

  3. Glad you enjoy, Marley.
    Thea, what kinda things does your son enjoy? Edinburgh is a fantastic city. Loads of old buildings. Amazing scenery. Its chock full of culture and is endowed with shitloads of bars. We don't do t'giving though - or is that what he's trying to get away from?

  4. Where DO you find all this stuff??? Too, too funny Michael! But then I guess if we can't find things to laugh at we might be using that sleazy TP to wipe away tears instead. Then again, it sounds like that's all it's good for. I'm glad it's not my brand. ;)

  5. my son is in germany right now. some decent restaurant recommendations and some pubs he won't get razzed too much in would be good. when i was there i just hopped into a cab. the driver happened to have made friends with some americans from boston when he was in the army so he was awfully friendly and helpful. every restaurant and pub i went to had good to great food. i went to holyrood castle, the royal mile, the botanical gardens, edinburgh castle - very superficial. he's 23, he's there with his new wife who is 21. i'll find out more details of this trip and let you know. he is a major history buff. thanks, michael!

  6. Careann, If I tell you, I have to keel you.
    Thea, to be honest I only go across to Edinburgh like once a year, but I'll ask around and see what people can come up with. I tend to head down to an area called the Grassmarket. And you're not superficial. You can't NOT visit these places when you go to Edinburgh.