It's Raining Elephants

The precipitation was somewhat persistent today. In fact, it has been persistently pissing down for a number of days now, so I did what every red-blooded male does on a day like this...I went Xmas shopping.

Yay me.

I was passing raintime watching a movie about a naive ju-jitsu instructor – yes people, there is such a creature if David Mamet is to be believed – and as it drew to a close I remembered that Debenhams were having a sale. And that the shop would be open late. And if I went at this point it would be quiet. And being a department store I could buy ALL of my gifts. And I remembered last Xmas Eve which should be re-named panictime. And...I can’t think of any more ands.

Anyhoo, I went, the deed was done and bar a few wee extras most of my gifts are bought.

Let me repeat: yay me. The only obstacle to a worry-free time is that now I’ve got to wrap up the fuckers.

As a treat for my evening’s achievement I went to a Chinese takeaway establishment for my dinner.

While sat in said Chinese takeaway establishment waiting for my meal to be cooked I watched Come Dine With Me on the telly...and I recognised one of the faces. Then another one. It appeared that the contestants/ diners were from my local patch.

If you don’t know what Come Dine With Me is, it’s where a group of five strangers go round each other’s houses for a dinner party, with each of them taking a turn to host. And while the host gets panicked and plastered in the kitchen the other dinners go through their rooms and cupboards and laugh at their clothes, books and sextoys (only joking about the last).

The host I recognised first was one of the coolest guys I knew when I was a teenager. He was a DJ – during a period when discos were the place to be (the seventies anyone?) - and he had a gorgeous girlfriend. Colour me jealous. He knew his music and the ladies (shallow creatures) flocked around him.

While this chap was cooking we got a look around his house. Mmmmm, it was interesting. And this is me trying not to be bitchy because god knows I don’t live in a palace – but it looked like his furniture was chosen by Michael Jackson and his soft furnishings came from an old folk’s home.

The diners give each other points out of ten and the person who scores the highest wins £1000. It always provides a wee chuckle when the winner is revealed and the other contestants wear their I Just Lost an Oscar expression.

The fella I knew served up Pig’s Trotters as a main course. Needless to say he lost. WTF, dude? Pigs Trotters? It looked like something they would serve up in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

What was nice to see in this programme were some local landmarks like Ayr beach and the Brig O’ Doon, framed by a clear sky. A reminder that whatever it feels like right now, the rain will stop. Eventually.