Friday, 27 November 2009

May Contain News

This first item was taken from an online version of an English newspaper...

An image captured in a baby scan has been claimed to be the 'double' of Michael Jackson.

Parents-to-be Dawn Kelley and William Hickman were looking at the ultrasound scan of their unborn baby when they “realised” it looked like the late pop singer.

Mr Hickman, 29,(why are journalists so fascinated with everyone’s age?) a window cleaner, (and their occupation?) said: “I showed my daughter Ami, who’s six, and she saw it straight away, so I thought 'well if she can see it too it’s not just me seeing things’.”

Mother-of-six Miss Kelley, 34, (see what I mean? Presumably given that she has so many weans she doesn’t have the time to work. Therefore no occupation to be mentioned. Wonder if the journo felt robbed?) went for her 20-week scan at Sunderland Royal as normal last month, but doctors could not see the foetus’s stomach or diaphragm. (Which is important because...)

A few weeks later she was sent to Grindon Lane Walk in Centre for a closer look. Which was when Jacko appeared.

A comment on the bottom of this online news summed up my reaction to this piece of “news”

It read: shutthefuckup.


From the ridiculous to the downright sick and nasty....Russian police have arrested three homeless people (somewhere in Russia I expect) suspected of eating a 25-year-old man they had butchered and of selling (you’ve got to draw the line somewhere) other bits of the corpse to a local kebab house.

Suspicions were raised when dismembered parts of a human body were found near a bus stop (where else would you dump the unwanted parts?) in the outskirts of the Russian city of Perm (I wonder if they all have Kevin Keegan hairstyles circa 1975), 1,150 km (720 miles) east of Moscow.

Three homeless men (no ages were supplied, sadly – jobs, go without saying) with previous criminal records have been arrested on suspicion of setting upon a foe with knives and a hammer before chopping up his corpse to eat, local investigators said in a statement on their Web site.

"After carrying out the crime, the corpse was divided up: part was eaten and part was also sold to a kiosk selling kebabs and pies," the Prosecutor-General's main investigative unit for the Perm region said in a statement issued Friday.

It was not immediately clear from the statement if any of the corpse filled delicacies had been sold to customers. Mmmm. Yumm anyone?


A woman in the US has found out the hard way that not all policemen are corruptible. This lady was pulled over for drink-driving, and tried to dance with the police officer in her attempt to get away without a caution. The dancing raised barely a flicker, so thinking that perhaps she needed to be a wee bit more obvious she started to rub her buttocks on his leg.

The woman's problems began when she pulled up close to where the wonderfully -named Sheriff's patrol deputy Randy Grob was doing some admin, in a church car park in Bayou George, Florida. The woman, whose eyes were red and weeping, rolled down her window and offered to survey Grob's home, and any other property he owned. (What else would you offer a policeman when you’re pissed?)

She then reversed into the road, forcing the traffic to stop, and drove off. Grob gave chase and pulled her over. At this point, the woman told Grob that she 'knew what he needed', and handed him a menu from a steak house. (I wonder if they were selling Russian meat?)

Grob then noticed a pint bottle of vodka on the passenger seat, and a wine glass on the floor. (This is clearly a lady with class.)

As other policemen arrived on the scene, the woman - identified as Verleen Anglin (what no age?) of Panama City – now in full flush, got out of the car and 'skipped' towards them.

Asked to stand on one leg as part of a sobriety test, Ms Anglin instead tried to dance with the officer. Grob wrote in his report that she 'began to 'dance with the stars,' grabbed me and twirled herself several times and attempted to rub on my legs using her butt.'

Sadly, she worked up a sweat for nothing. She was arrested and charged.


This isn’t news but it made me smile...

10 Of the World's Worst Pick-Up Lines

Your eyes meet across a crowded bar... the atmosphere is charged with lust... you approach, composed and electric with determination... and entice this vision into your life with a line like...

1. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

2. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

3. You have to tell me your name, because last night in my dreams, I could only call you 'baby'...

4. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock...

5. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

6. At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh? Can I help?"

7. Hi I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples...

8. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you...

9. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you...

10. Have you ever played naked leap frog?


During a trial in a small Southern town in the US, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness. She was an elderly lady. The P.A. approached her at the stand.

- Do you know me, Mrs Jones

- Why yes I do, she answered. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

The lawyer was open-mouthed. At a loss as to what to do next he pointed across the room and asked.

- Do you know the defence attorney?

- Why yes, I do, she answered. I’ve known Mr Smith since he was a youngster too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drink problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practise is the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with 3 different women. One of them was your wife.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench. In a quiet voice he said...

- If either of you idiots asks this woman if she knows me, I’m sending you both to the electric chair.




  1. my favorite pick up line is 'hey you, dreamboat..." and if the ugly guy turns around, say "not you, shipwreck..."

    homeless cannibals - sounds like a movie

    hey, don't you think 5 kids is enough of a job? and now her baby is going to be the reincarnation of MJ. lordy

  2. Exactly, Thea. Frankly, any more than 1 child is enough of a job.

    So spill. How did you get on with your pick-up line?

  3. i said it to my boss once (he was a player) but i couldn't keep a straight face and got hysterically laughing. however, my hysterical laughter can be very contagious. so he got laughing too. not sure if he ever realized he was the butt of my joke. but i feel i am destined to a quiet life of reused tea bags and cat food because i've not been meeting men strong enough to withstand my snarky sense of humor!!!!