Friday, 18 December 2009

A True Scot...

As it approaches Christmas I have half a mind (no surprise there then) to tell you about past experiences of this season. You’ve had The Tree and The Xmas Eve dinner, but they were placing my twin-sister firmly as the butt of the joke. It’s only fair that I relate a memory where I’m the one you can laugh at.

Some of you may already know that as a lad I was a dervish in a kilt, a demon at the sword dance, yes people, I was a Highland Dancer.

I can’t remember the age I was when I started (4, 5 or 6) but I stopped as soon as I grew out of my tartan underpants. Twenty one. No, I’m joking, I was around 12.

Blame the nuns. They thought it was character forming. There was one issue that the nuns didn’t foresee when they took steps to mould the future me. The wee fella Malone had the knack. He was doing well with the highland dancing and being asked to perform at Burns Suppers, St Andrew’s Nights and Christmas parties for geriatrics around the country (well, Kilmarnock).

The problem? Tradition was a big thing in all of this. I danced with real swords, to a real bagpipe player while wearing a real kilt. How far could the nuns allow me to take tradition? Many non-Scots reading this will surely be fascinated to know that “a real Scotsman” wearing a kilt does so without underwear. Yes, we were going commando long before anyone else. (Apparently this was a military thing and men in Scottish regiments were banned from wearing anything under their kilts. To ensure this rule was not broken Sergeant Majors were known to fix a mirror to the end of a golf club and walk along the line scanning for visible danglies )

Could the nuns afford to make this ten year old lad a true Scotsman? If there was a mishap, male specific body parts (MSBP) would be on show. What if the lad slipped? Group shudder. What if when he slipped his kilt ended up over his head, Holy Mary, Mudder of Jaysus?

This was a major concern. The sight of, the thought of, the mention of MSBP was enough to bring on group hysteria, much gripping of rosary beads and rapid and repeated signs of the cross. They could not, would not allow male “private parts” (is that phrase still used) to be on display. The world could not, would not face such an evil and depraved display, Jaysus, Mary and Joseph.

A compromise was found. I was to be made a pair of underpants from the same tartan as my kilt. This meant that if I kicked too high the MSBP would not be displayed. They would in fact be invisible. All the audience would be faced with was a pair of disembodied legs.

Said knickers were made. Not only were they the same tartan – they were of the same rough, heavy woollen material. However, before you all wince, they were lined. So not only would tradition be maintained (sort of) and dignity preserved (praise be to God), there would be efforts made to keep chafing to a minimum (aww bless).

From a distance of time I can smile, rub the scars (yes, there was chafing. I remember tucking my shirt into the pants around my thighs) and wonder if the “seamstress” was told that these knickers were for a boy. There were tight, flat and there was absolutely no room for MSBP. Thankfully these parts were pre-pubescent and yet to reach their...ehm... full potential (TMI?)

I’m betting the maker of the tartan kegs went on to bigger and better things. Didn’t you ever wonder where Drag Queens stick their man-stuff? Under the sequin and lace panties, I’ll bet they’re wearing a pair of tartan underpants.


  1. The thought of big Michael doing highland dancing and wee Michael squashed into tartan breeks skipping over swords has made me laugh loads!!!

  2. there's nuthin like a tartan parade in a wind storm! but to know you were distressing. so are you still a good dancer???

  3. Anon, I think I know you. EW?

    Thea, only in my own head. Haven't danced HIghland since I entered my teens. Which wasn't yesterday.

  4. Wonderful picture and a delightful post to remember when I need a laugh. Why not include a video for your friends? Better yet take up the tradition now that the nuns have no say and video THAT! Poor things, they were in quite a spot. Your Scottish undies sound more like a tartan chastity belt. Ouch!

    Oh, explain for military reasons...

  5. Marley, some things should remain a mystery. The only time you will get to see my ass on the internet is when that bestseller gets published, I crack after years and years of discipline at the keyboard and call in a stream of escorts. One of whom records me and then tries to bribe me for some of my hard-earned royalties.

  6. Oh and explain military reasons? I have no clue. Maybe it was like in Mel Gibson's Braveheart (known for its historical accuracy. Not) where a line of Scots soldiers mooned at the English. Mooning being psychological warfare.