Wednesday, 17 June 2009

The Answer is...

Got home from work tonight. Had a cup of coffee. Paid the cleaner. Yes, I have a cleaner. I’ve decided the world of books deserves my attention more than my manky house does, so employing a cleaner allows me to devote a little more time to my work while keeping the environmental health from my door.

Cooked a meal – well took stuff out of a package and warmed it in the oven. Took some other stuff out of another package and stuck it in a microwave. Presto. A delicious and nutritious meal containing all the food groups. Again, all time saving life choices are being examined. I am, am I not, a slave to my work? Phoned a friend. Exchanged blethers. Arranged to meet.

Everything done that I needed to, I decided I should write some more of my book. Managed about five hundred words. Which is quite frankly, crap.

I’m at a tricky part of the book. It needs some historical details added. I have the research and the trouble with research is using it to give context to a novel rather than allowing what you feel are “the fascinating facts” to take over. When it does that section of the story reads like a report and becomes one of those bits that your reader skips over. I try to avoid writing those bits. So I have to use the research in a way that gives context, engages the reader and moves the story along. It’s all about “showing and not telling”, innit?

When faced with these conundrums I find that the best tactic is procrastination. I go and do something else and let the boys in the boiler room, ie my sub-conscious, come up with a solution. No, really.

That is a long and convoluted explanation for this blog... needing a distraction I was looking through some old emails and found a list of exam answers where the students, having not bothered to read the syllabus went for invention rather than accuracy in their answers. This either takes a certain kind of intelligence or a level of idiocy that is beyond even the most obtuse, grass-chewing village idiot.

1) Classical StudiesQuestion: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.Answer: Learning to speak Latin

2) BiologyQuestion: What is a fibula?Answer: A little lie

3) General StudiesQuestion: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.Answer: How much TV do you watch?

4) Classical StudiesQuestion: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?Answer: Suspicious ones

5) BiologyQuestion: Give an example of a smoking-related diseaseAnswer: Early death

6) GeographyQuestion: What are the Pyramids?Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain

7) BiologyQuestion: What is a plasmid?Answer: A high definition television

8) EnglishQuestion: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.

9) GeographyQuestion: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.Answer: Homeless

10) Religious StudiesQuestion: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?Answer: Monotony

11) BiologyQuestion: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for thisAnswer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit

12) PhysicsQuestion: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuelsAnswer: Fire

13) GeographyQuestion: Define the term "intensive farming".Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.

14) MathsQuestion: Change 7/8 to a decimalAnswer: 7.8

15) GeographyQuestion: What does the term "lava" mean?Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

16) General StudiesQuestion: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation

17) HistoryQuestion: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?Answer: Children

18) Business StudiesQuestion: Explain the word "wholesaler".Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - eg, a whole cake

19) GeographyQuestion: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?Answer: Malaria

20) GeographyQuestion:What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?Answer: The Sewage Canal

21) GeographyQuestion: Name one famous Greek landmark. Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse


  1. Absolutely hysterical.

    Why don't you go for really simple and get some liquid meals in a can like SlimFast or homemade blender shakes. Throw everything in, blend it, drink it. Two items to wash. Oh, and the cleaner does that. Think of the writing time you save!

  2. Great idea, marley. I shall investigate forthwith.

  3. Good one, today, Michael. Very funny! t

  4. What I like most about these is that they all have a devastating logic to them. Almost all of them are (in a way) correct. They're also bloody funny.

  5. Always good to ask questions. That was what my blog post was about on Thursday: ”Kim Kasch’s Blogspot”

  6. Thanks for the laugh, Michael!

    I popped over from Rachelle's blog party. Very glad I did! Have a great weekend.


  7. Hey Jennifer, nice to "see" you.

  8. Funny stuff! I like the one about the fibula.