The first “Don’t Let the Door Hit you on the Arse on The Way Out Awards" go to....
...whoever ordered the giant dryer at the local swimming pool. It’s a huge red thing you stand in and for £1 it blasts you with hot air after your dip. How lazy is that? How much energy do you need to wield a towel? A supplementary award goes to the chumps waiting in line to use the dryer. Two minutes or more standing shivering wrapped in a towel when said towel could have been put to better use. Stating the obvious here, but by the time they waited they could have been dry already.
...the policeman who fined the local man £50. This poor fella exited a shop after a small purchase. As he walked he pocketed his change (a £10 note) and his receipt. Sadly, the note fell out of his pocket. The policeman spotted this and tapped the shopper on the shoulder. Said shopper was relieved that his money was spotted falling, as being on social benefits he couldn’t afford to lose £10. Once the money was safely tucked into his wallet, the policeman slapped him with the £50 fine. For littering. True.
...whoever came up with the word “unveiled” when a football (soccer) player or manager is newly signed to a team and introduced as such to the world’s media. I always have an image of somebody standing there covered up by a piece of cloth and said cloth being whipped off to huge fanfare. Can you imagine the size of cloth that will be needed by Real Madrid to unveil Christiano Ronaldo? The size of his head? They’re gonna need a marquee. The worrying thing is that we are now entering the silly season when players and managers will be signed to their new teams on a daily basis. All of them will be announced as being “unveiled” by a media that really needs to stop using this fecking word.
...the organisers of the recent Air Sex competition in New York. You’ve heard of Air Guitar and possibly Air Drums? Air Sex is when the sad bastard, sorry competitor acts as if he/ she is having sex with an invisible partner. We are however to be grateful for small mercies as the numpties/sorry competitors keep their clothes on throughout. "Air sex is the only kind of sex I usually have anyway," said Travis Green, 20 a recent fuckwit, sorry competitor. No surprises there then.
...whoever ordered the giant dryer at the local swimming pool. It’s a huge red thing you stand in and for £1 it blasts you with hot air after your dip. How lazy is that? How much energy do you need to wield a towel? A supplementary award goes to the chumps waiting in line to use the dryer. Two minutes or more standing shivering wrapped in a towel when said towel could have been put to better use. Stating the obvious here, but by the time they waited they could have been dry already.
...the policeman who fined the local man £50. This poor fella exited a shop after a small purchase. As he walked he pocketed his change (a £10 note) and his receipt. Sadly, the note fell out of his pocket. The policeman spotted this and tapped the shopper on the shoulder. Said shopper was relieved that his money was spotted falling, as being on social benefits he couldn’t afford to lose £10. Once the money was safely tucked into his wallet, the policeman slapped him with the £50 fine. For littering. True.
...whoever came up with the word “unveiled” when a football (soccer) player or manager is newly signed to a team and introduced as such to the world’s media. I always have an image of somebody standing there covered up by a piece of cloth and said cloth being whipped off to huge fanfare. Can you imagine the size of cloth that will be needed by Real Madrid to unveil Christiano Ronaldo? The size of his head? They’re gonna need a marquee. The worrying thing is that we are now entering the silly season when players and managers will be signed to their new teams on a daily basis. All of them will be announced as being “unveiled” by a media that really needs to stop using this fecking word.
...the organisers of the recent Air Sex competition in New York. You’ve heard of Air Guitar and possibly Air Drums? Air Sex is when the sad bastard, sorry competitor acts as if he/ she is having sex with an invisible partner. We are however to be grateful for small mercies as the numpties/sorry competitors keep their clothes on throughout. "Air sex is the only kind of sex I usually have anyway," said Travis Green, 20 a recent fuckwit, sorry competitor. No surprises there then.
Oh, football is in full swing now, I guess! Who do you root for?
ReplyDeleteThe time between American Football seasons seems soooo long. Now less than two months to preseason.
Where the hell is Keithville?
ReplyDeleteMarley - our football season hasjust finished, but the sports reporters need something to write about so they speculate endlessly about which club is going to buy which players. And Keithville, I have no clue.
ReplyDelete