Sunday, 13 September 2009

Feeling stupid

I couldn’t be more hacked off if someone just chopped at me with an axe – actually, if they aimed at the stomach area that would be No Bad Thing and a whole lot cheaper than liposuction. I digress. The reason for my hacked-offness? Some wankstaindipshit has stolen my mobile phone.

And I only have myself to blame. It was a lovely day. I was driving with the window down, listening to some tunes. I parked the car in a quiet side street in Glasgow. I had an hour to spare before I went to a crime writers’ event, so I went to Borders for a coffee and a free read at whatever took my fancy.

On return to my car I realised that I hadn’t put the window back up. Ooops. Then I realised that the leather wallet thingy with the CDs in was no longer on the passenger seat. Nothing else seemed to be missing. I checked for my phone which I had stowed away out of sight in the compartment on the driver’s door – nae phone.

How on earth did the thieving wankstaindipshit find it? My car is as tidy as my house. You need to wipe your feet on the way out. The compartment on the driver’s door is a mess of CDs (in and out of their boxes) flyers, maps and other assorted shit. My (flawed) thinking is that prospective thieves wouldn’t be bothered to filter through the mess in the hope of finding something.

This is me feeling seven colours of stupid.

‘Cos of course the insurance company won’t payout and I won’t even attempt to come up with a plausible excuse as I ALWAYS get caught. I’m rubbish at making up lies. Which I guess is odd, coming from a writer.

If you find yourself in a pub in the west of Scotland and somebody looking like a wankstaindipshit tries to sell you a Samsung 8800, kick him in the danglies for me, willya?

Actually...apart from the nuisance of paying for a contract (which has 16 months to run) and having no phone, I kinda like the idea of being outside that particular matrix.

Which reminds me, if any of my friends – either of you – has left me a message recently, I won’t be getting back to you any day soon.



  1. Sorry. Obviously it WAS catching. If your putative blogreader does get approached in the pub, the wankstaindipshit will also be flogging an LG K990i, so he should be easy to spot. Bastards. And don't you hate it when insurance companies have the moral high ground?

  2. Too bad, Michael, especially the $$ part. Though sometimes I'd like to throw mine in front of an asphalt roller, it's a little too handy at others. Putting out a reward?

  3. Gillian, YES, YES, YES.
    Marley, that would be a no, on account of I have a contract to pay and no phone. And it will be gone, gone, gone never to be found again.

  4. can you have them transfer your contract to a new number? i tell you, this just stinks. i'm putting a curse on the thief. i hope you're calling your number on a regular basis and leaving a few choice messages~!!!!! sorry michael.

  5. Ah, dinnae worry, Thea. I cancelled the phone and changed my contract - so the phone is unusable. Means I no longer have a snazzy new phone to make my calls. C'est la vie