Thursday, 1 October 2009

Nut News

The critics are telling us our favourite bad boy of pop is back on form. Yes, he says while stifling a yawn, Robbie Williams has a new album out and it’s quite good.

Winnie the Pooh has a new friend. Which is nice. Lottie the Otter is feisty and will cause a stir. Wish I was 5 again. Not because of Lottie, you understand. I just wish I was 5.

An 8 year old in Waterford saved his sister’s life using the Heimlich manoeuvre after seeing it being demonstrated on TV. Under the newspaper headline they displayed a quote from the young hero who said afterwards, ‘I’m not doing it again, she’s been a pain this week.’

A study published recently(no doubt by the Ministry of The Feckin’ Obvious)reported that it is perfectly normal for men to drool over a woman they find attractive. Surprised much? What I want to know is who funds these reports and how do I get a job? What else could we get these morons to study? It is beneficial for the man to fall asleep after sex. Farting is a necessary release and should be tolerated without comment. Chocolate is more effective than Prozac and women should delay munching on it until after their man has fallen asleep.

This next one set me off on a fit of the giggles that lasted for oh, a good hour. So before reading put that coffee down. A Cork radio station was running a competition for callers to phone in with words that were no longer in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that make sense. The prize was trip to Bali. Given that the Irish are one of the most literate nations on earth expectations were high. The first call went like this...
DJ – Thank you for calling 96FM, what’s your name?
Caller – Hi, me name’s Dave.
DJ – Hi Dave. What’s your word?
Dave – Goan, spelt G-O-A-N and pronounced go an.
DJ – that is correct, Dave goan is not in the dictionary. Now for that fantastic trip to Bali, what sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Dave – goan fuck yourself.
Unsurprisingly the DJ cut the conversation short and took some more calls. They were all unsuccessful until ...
DJ: Thank you for calling 96FM, what’s your name caller?
Caller: Hi, my name is Jeff.
DJ: Hi Jeff, can you tell us your word.
Jeff: My word is smee. Spelt S-M-E-E.
DJ: You are correct Jeff. Smee is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali, can you give me a sentence containing smee that makes sense.
Jeff: Smee again, goan fuck yourself.


  1. the irish are freakin funny.

  2. I put my coffee down, I did. And just as well.

    The Heimlich manoeuvre story reminded me of the Simpsons last night. They were in China and the govt minder was reminiscing about her father being a ping pong champion. Tragically he choked to death on a ping pong ball. The Heimlich manoeuvre was invented the very next day... I know that's not remotely funny written down, but man, it was the look on her face.

  3. and Heimlich is such a chinese name, innit? you gotta love them Simpsons.

  4. I read this (having been directed here by the fragrant Gillian) after the day's slog and it was, as usual, well worth it. The bonus is that we have friends arriving for drinks in an hour so I shall be able to tell the Irish story as if it were my own. Thank you Big Man.

  5. Welcome, dude. I am, am I not a public service?

  6. Funny guy, but he's probably not packing for Bali. I always look forward to Malone Newsday.