True Blood

(Sookie gets her mitts on Bill, the Vampire)

Saw an Undertaker today. Don’t worry, nobody died. (Well at least, no-one I know.) He was walking across the road as I passed the other way...and this guy was freakishly suitable for the job. It looked like he was straight out of central casting. Even without the sombre suit you could tell he was in the life...of dealing with death.


White hair, a jaw that could shovel snow and a complexion that suggests putty tainted by jaundice.


He trembled a smile in my direction as I passed him and I swear I heard a choir, violins and crows. Somewhere in the distance a Rottweiler barked.


I’m still shivering


Talking about spooky things, I watched the first episode of True Blood. You should check it out. It gets the Best Vampire Programme since Buffy/ Angel Award. It is written by Alan Ball. Not the old footballer, but the screenwriting genius who came up with Six Feet Under and it’s streets ahead of what we get fed on UKTV.

Based on the novels of Charlaine Harris and set in a steamy Louisiana, it’s brilliant, sexy and should wash it’s mouth out with soap. All of the main characters are gorgeous, fit and potty-mouthed. Except the one called Sookie. For real. Sookie’s not too shabby on the looks but she’s the one character always giving the rest a row for using profanities.

Apart from a dislike for coarse language Sookie (for real) is psychic. She can hear you think. She also has a major thing for a new vampire who just rode into town. Well, he didn’t ride in. He just kind of appeared. I‘m thinking Sookie would like to get her hands on his boabie. And in the world of True Blood this is possible. Vampires are real people too, y’know – with civil rights, synthetic blood and a neat line in smouldering.

Sookie’s best pal is a gorgeous, fit and STROPPY. She don’t hold with stoopid and she’ll waste no time in telling you.

Sookie’s brother is handsome, fit and a mad shagger. But now he’s got himself into trouble. The last lady he was showing a good time was murdered. But not before she secretly filmed him giving her a good time. The po-leece now have a copy of this film.

Sookie’s boss is handsome, fit and besotted with Sookie. Which just isn’t going to end well. Give it up, dude. She’s after the bloodsucker.

The only characters in the cast who have been assaulted with the ugly stick are the odd peripheral character and the bad guys – a married couple who deal in drugs and vampire blood – and who are out to get Sookie, because she stood up to them and saved Bill the Vampire from getting the blood drained out of his veins in the carpark. Silver comes in very handy when you need to restrain your vampire, dontcha know.

It’s on FX – the satellite channel where they hid The Wire for yonks – but it’s due to appear on Channel 4 in the autumn. So watch it now and you can brag to your pals later in the year when they are just catching up with its genius.