Saturday, 26 June 2010

A different version...

Here’s one for those people who are tired of the English football commentators…you know that delusional chat to the camera that comes from trying to convince yourself and the nation that what you are seeing is not the actual truth of things?

It came from by brother in Ireland and it’s a comparison of what people were saying during the recent England games, when they didn’t have an axe to grind or a paymaster general to please.

Oh yes…it’s Irish TV versus the BBC.

(and to help you with the nationality of the speaker there's a wee bit of colour coding.)

Hansen: “Once England got the goal the confidence levels surged, they were excellent.”

Eamon Dunphy: “They just didn’t grow in confidence at all after the goal.”

Lineker: “The goal really settled them, didn’t it? They pushed on from there.”

Ronnie Whelan: “You’d think they’d have kicked on from when they scored, but they actually got worse.”

Roy: “England’s crossing has been absolutely outstanding.”

Giles: “Some of the crossing was just awful.”

Shearer: “Rooney looks more confident, he’s getting around the pitch a lot better.”

Dunphy: “It’s shocking to see Rooney so subdued, he’s been reduced to a shivering wreck.”

Shearer: “They look much more comfortable on the ball, they’re passing it with a purpose, with pace, they’re closing down – a much better performance, it’s encouraging.”

Giles: “They’re much better than they have been, but they couldn’t have been worse.”

No arguments, then. Second half. England held on. Full-time. Ready?

Lee Dixon: “A great performance.”

Dunphy: “Shocking . . . absolutely incredibly bad . . . pretty awful stuff.”

Hansen: “The commitment was there, the spirit was there, the enterprise was there, the creativity was there, they passed it better – they could have scored five or six quite easily. Capello will obviously be delighted with the performance.”

Giles: “If that’s the shackles off what’ll they be like when the shackles are back on?”

’Arry Redknapp: “We played with pace, we got after them, we pressed them, there wasn’t a weakness in the team.”

Dunphy: “They were astonishingly poor.”

Lineker: “He looked more like the Rooney we know.”

Ronnie: “Rooney is a major worry, his form, his body language, his demeanour, everything.”

Dixon: “Gerrard was outstanding.”

Dunphy: “I can’t believe how bad Gerrard was today.”

’Arry: “Across midfield we were top drawer.”

Giles: “Barry got worse as the game went on, Milner, Gerrard and Lampard the same.”

’Arry: “Bring it on! Whoever we play we’ll be difficult to beat.”

Ronnie: “If they don’t improve they’ll go straight out, it was a very, very inept performance.”


  1. Ah, Mike, if you think English soccer commentators are horrible and annoying, try listening to English Eurosong commentators - those are some real Nazis :)

    (I just love how I managed to combine EUROVISION and SOCCER in the same sentence)

  2. yes, but was dunphy right??? love the picture. looks like something my son would do...

  3. Yeah, well done Dezmond.

    Thea, Dunphy was on the money.

  4. They were all agreed in their disgust at the team and manager after the Germany game. They are now saying it's a job for an Englishman, they must've forgot Steve McClaren already.

  5. it is a bit of an enigma, innit? These guys who shine for their club teams and then put on their national jersey and play like chumps. D'ye think in their normal week they have all these talented foreigners that make them look better than they are?

  6. Cringe-making when you listen to the jingoistic crap they spout but Shearer isn't even good enough to be crap. His comments tend to be at the level of 'There's a thing with a screen on it in the corner of the studio and it's got footballers running and kicking on it'.

    Thank God it's the teams who play football who are getting through.

  7. I'm glad you put these head to head. Reminds me of how the locals media at Wimbledon keep conveniently calling Andy Murray British, especially now that he's in the quarterfinals. Sheesh.

  8. Marley, you are sounding more and more like a Scot every day. This is a common gripe north of the border. An English competitor under the UK banner is always described as English while a non-English one will be described as British.